Dear Jon

Dear Jon,

You’ve occupied not one, but two spots on my Freebie Five for a long time now.  Yes, two spots.  Almost half of my fantasy allotment goes to you because clearly, a night with you would be very different than a night with Don Draper and, well, yes.

For the record, my husband couldn’t be happier that both of you made the cut because it means that one of my prospects doesn’t even exist in real life.  Similarly, I have encouraged my husband to add “the brainy Kardashian” to his list.

But Jon, we have a problem.  This thing in the news about your, um, Hamm bone causing problems for the nice folks in charge of wardrobe for Mad Men — ew.

It’s odd to say this, but please wear underwear to work, Jon.  If you want a little fresh air on your pork ‘n beans while out for Sunday brunch, that’s your business.  At work, however, you need to keep it locked down tight.

This is important.  If you creep me out and I have to take you off my list, I will be crushed.  I’d be compelled to give Tom Brady two spots – football player and Ugg model – but we both know he only deserves one entry in The Five.  So please, Jon, wear underwear to work.  Do it for me.  Or do it for the poor guy who allegedly had to Photoshop your groin into submission for the show’s promotional posters.  But please, just do it.

Forever yours,
(provided you wear proper undergarments at work)

— the Unskilled Perfectionist