TINY A**HOLE: A SCREENPLAY BY CONNIE PALTROW
FADE IN: Afternoon in a suburban house, tastefully decorated and impeccably clean.
DAUGHTER and SON are standing on a stairway cluttered with the detritus of the school day: a cello, two sweatshirts, six books and a pair of dirty socks. MOM is off camera, presumably in the kitchen doing dishes. The kids start to bicker, then:
Hey Mom, Daughter called me an asshole.
ENTER MOM, breathtakingly beautiful. Although weary from the day, she has Connie Britton hair and a Gwyneth Paltrow body. Without thinking, Mom casually blurts
Well, are you being an asshole?
Daughter and Son are shocked to hear their sweet mother use the a-word so brazenly
DAUGHTER and SON (in unison)
Mommmmm, you said –
Mom, sensing this is very very wrong, goes with it anyway
Don’t blame me. We have a declaration of asshole. I’m just the asshole investigator. Now tell me what happened.
We are both going upstairs and I need to take all my stuff up to my room. Son isn’t carrying anything so I asked him to help me with my stuff.
Son, is this true?
Son nods defiantly.
Well Son, I can’t force you to help your sister, but it does make you a tiny asshole if you don’t. Not a huge one. But you really should think about helping your sister. Also, don’t say that word. It’s vulgar.
EXIT MOM. Kids continue to bicker in hushed tones. The only decipherable word repeated throughout the conversation is “asshole.”
Alright, we’re done with this. The next person to say “asshole” is grounded.
SON and DAUGHTER (in unison, laughing)
Mom! You said it!
Aw, geez. You’re right. I did. Guess I’m grounded.
EXIT MOM with a smug smile on her face, presumably headed to her bedroom. Sound of door closing. Kids stare at each other, bewildered.
Um, what just happened?
I have no idea. Here, let me help you get this stuff upstairs.