MEMO FROM THE OPC (OFFICE OF PROPER CHILDREARING)
Dear Unskilled Perfectionist,
It has come to our attention that you have violated several key tenets from the OPC during your recent camping trip. The charges against you include but are not limited to the following:
Upon approaching Cinder Cone and realizing that your husband’s plan was to hike to the top of the giant volcano, you blurted, “Get the f@$% out!” Yes, your disbelief was motivation for your kids and they powered to the top, but horrible language is frowned upon by the OPC.
Complete Disregard for Proper Nutrition
We have reports that you fed your children so much stuff cooked on a stick over the fire, that when they passed a café at the Lassen Visitors Center, they begged for an apple. An apple! It is also our understanding that you let your children invent something called “The Ultimate S’mOreo” — a stacked monstrosity that includes: graham cracker, roasted marshmallow, bottom of an Oreo, another roasted marshmallow, top of an Oreo, yet another roasted marshmallow and another graham cracker. We’re pretty sure the road to childhood obesity is paved with Ultimate S’mOreos thanks to you.
Engaging in Activities Unfit for Children
Really? You taught your children how to play poker? It doesn’t matter that they won. Poker is poker. They chopped wood with an axe, whittled with a pocket knife, put bait on their own fish hooks and wandered down to the lake without an adult trailing them warning “be careful.” We also have a report of child labor violations as you made your daughter paddle the two-person kayak while you kicked back and took pictures. Shameful.
Your children played in the snow while wearing shorts and t-shirts. Yes, it was 90 degrees out and the snow was a welcome break during a long hike, but children in the snow need hats and gloves – no exceptions. And what’s this rumor about skinny dipping in a lake when you forgot to pack bathing suits? Ok, just a rumor. We’ll strike that from the record.
In conclusion, despite your children’s claims that this was the “best trip ever,” those of us at the Office of Proper Childrearing hope that this warning will prompt you to make some much needed changes before your next family adventure.